Pearl

The person said "Hey .. I'm getting engaged". For that a normal being would say "Congrats !" ..or "thats awesome !" ..... but ... this stupid idiot... an imbecile jackass... or myself .. said "what ... again ? " !!

The calm reply was.. "not everyone can make it in one go" . This person had suffered one broken engagement and is now stepping into a new chapter in life. I, knowing that, went and made the person feel disgusting to even think what a worthless piece of irrecyclable junk I was.

Its just like a huge dent on your new car. You know that thing will never be the same again no matter how you repair it and how you paint it.

Why did I do that ? Why does it always happen to me ? (concience:Because you didnt think before you spoke you idiot !) Yes ... Its happened quite a few times when my brain forgot to work before it opened my mouth. These moments can be described as the situation when the blood drains from the brain and rushes to the other important organ ... making us think without the help of the brain .. which is highly illogical but true... just like its happening now.

There is a saying which applies here .. " A pearl once broken is gone .. and likewise a word once said is gone" . What I've said cannot be unsaid or its effects cannot be erased no matter what I do .. or what I say. I have no words to describe how guilty I feel and how much I hate myself now. This is just a tiny attempt to say I am truly sorry for what I said ... not only this .. but for all the things which made you feel bad or unhappy, it may be what I did or said, or,what I didn't do or didn't say.

You are a pearl to me... a dew drop... always shining and always beautiful. I wish you all the very best and hope there is lots of joy and heavenly feeling in your life. Good luck.

Forever

8:30pm ... and its still bright .. looks like the sun is having a ball .. (background music - loud blaring electric guitar) like 'ha ha .. a li'l more heat .. and lets see how you don't take em clothes off !! :D ' ... the birds are huddled under whatever shade is available ... the cars are the most hit .. Toyota Corolla is almost in tears ... Ford Taurus says 'is that all you got ?' ... no one on the walkways ... and seem like they are about to melt .. A train goes by .. with lots of people on it ... no surprise as the people are huddled under the A/C..

I sit here .. alone in my apartment (background music - some senti song from bollywood). The world goes by .. without an effect on me. It would have an hour ago .. but not now. Its like I've been struck by a powerful taser ..and paralyzed. The reason ? .. my big wide illusion has come crashing down... on me. what illusion ? .. yeah yeah .. its the same old thing ..

boy meets girl...

boy likes girl...

and boy thinks girl likes him ...

but girl adds boy to friend list...

boy still likes girl ...

he waits 3 years for girl...

wait.. 3 years ? yes ...

and he didn't make a move ? .. er.. no...

hes a dumbass ! .. wait thats not the end of story...

he didn't make a move because he didn't want to push it .. he was considerate..... yeah thats the word... and had lots of patience.

Dumbass. I know ... so boy thinks hes considerate... girl thinks hes gutless... boy waits and waits ... girl also thinks hes a dumbass... still.. boy waits and waits ... dumbass -ness confirmed. ... girl tells him about the friend thing and that shes already hooked.... boy screwed.

I don't know what illusions are made from . .. it hurt pretty bad when it crashed on me .. and I'm not able to recover. One can't describe the feeling when you are heart-broken. The blood rushed into my head .. which hampered my thinking senses. I was blind and reeling under. I've lost my appetite (which is good and helps my workout routine :D) .

So I wonder .. Why does it always have to be me on the friend list ? Cos I AM gutless.. I am a pussy when it comes to speaking out... no thats not the reason ... I just didn't want to push it .. is it so bad to be considerate? .. do I deserve what I've got? .... why has life taught me a lesson the hard way?

so ... boy all sad... dunno about girl... girl says match not over... but boy doesn't wants to be a substitute... he wants to be the only player .... girl says boy still a good friend.... its too hard for boy.

Bell rings ... I answer it to find a girl :D .... She says shes the new neighbour next door ..... I'm overjoyed ... like having a Coke in the Sahara :P... and she asks me politely to remove my car from her parking space .... I'm all worked up thinking I got a chance for a hit and follow her downstairs ...

As we go downstairs I see a huge object near my car... and that dried up half the Coke ... the object was actually a huge guy .... with a hectare space on his head. No smile on his face... my car looked like a puppy with its tail underneath .. in front of him. He said 'Hi' ..... 'thanks furr thaking outh yourr carr!" .. hmmm .. East European.... I quietly take out my car and he parked his monster truck(Ford F250) in the space. I was praying ...'please god .. let him be neither her brother nor her boyfriend !' ... lo and behold .. my prayers were answered ! .. he was her partner ... the Coke dried up fully.

Came to know they were Russians .. and my senses told me they carried an Ak47 and that they could 'shooth' me in the ass from 200m away. .. Better to keep a distance from them .. at least 250m... but the girl was 'hoth' :D

I'm back home.. alone ... staring at the now dull sun... with all the same thoughts rushing back . So.. the story ? ... not really sure where and how to end this ... as the girl is deeply firmly embedded in the boy's very fragile heart .... and he doesn't know if he'll be able to get over her ever.... he can't say 'goodbye' ... . and he told her once ... "I'll be there... forever!". Dumbass.

Fever

I take out my phone and check for messages ... none.

I check my mail ... apart from mails saying some random people have added me ... nothing. I check my other mail... there is one! I'm so over joyed... which ends abruptly when i see the subject line. It says... "Melbourne_night_dance_party is now following you on twitter".... what!!! ... where are the good old names like jackass67.... dumb-to-the-core... etc, gone... . "Melbourne_night_dance_party"..... thats a mouthful.

No hope.

I check my Facebook. Dunno whats wrong with people nowadays ... all they want is to milk a cow and raise a farm ! Can't you just go to the store and get milk and cereals ! get a life. One dude sends me an invite... "Hey .. come join Farmville and become my neighbour. " No thank you ! you stink ! ...

Status updates are another headache. Just like spam. Used by many .... and some just can't shut up. They are like Let-me-tell-you-what-i-do-every-second . Starting with "I'm waking up" .. "I'm having wheat for breakfast"... "I'm stuck in traffic"... "It's raining now" ... you're kidding !! wonderful !! .. Just because we all have an account on facebook .. we don't have to know that you are takin a piss.

there are others ... video-losers... who upload videos only which have been viewed by each and every person on the planet with access to internet.. ... along with crazy headings ..."hah h ha lol.. you've gotta watch this" .." damn hilarious ... dont miss this " .. .. you're the last one to see .. jackass.

and the others who are so paranoid that they want to see when they die... and when the results are out ... they put up who-gives-a-damn kinda msgs ... which shows their paranoia and embarrassment. That app is stupid as much as the users ... it gives out results like ... "Xyz is gonna die on 2025 aged 50. Xyz is killed by a vegetable slicer." ... oh .. get a new slicer.

Still no msgs. Gmail refreshes by itself. But still i refresh again. Nope .. nothing. I feel sad. Why is this happening.

I power off my phone and restart ... as though there is a problem which is blocking the messages. No msgs.

can't concentrate on work. Restless. Dream.. dream .. dream.

Lunch time. Not hungry. collegues hog my share too. why is everyone else looking so happy? Or is it that I'm the only one feeling this way.

Again... start dreaming. Code not running. PM comes around and asks me to start dreaming . oops ... to start debugging ! I dream.

Time to go home. I keep checking my mail. Still nothing. No calls either. Nothing.. even till I hit the sack at the end of the day. Why is this happening ?

I feel like I'm all alone... I read the mails again and again .. read everything sent to me .. again and again. I dream about it all the time. I dream about her all the time.

Not a day goes by without this routine. I've lost 2 kilos already. Its like a fever.

I want to call her and tell her about this fever. but the fear of rejection haunts my every step. I try to beat it .. yes I WILL ....before its too late.

I close my eyes and let the fever take over. I dream again.... and again.

Spring

6:00am
Riiinggg !!!
me: Wha !! .. oh alarm .... (snooze .. for half an hour)
zzzzz

6:30am
Riiinggg!!!
me: Wha !! .. oh alarm ... (snooze.... for 15 mins)
zzzzzz

6:45am
Riiinngg!!!
.....
Riiiiiinnngggg!!!
.....
Riiiiiinnnnnnggggg!!!
.....
alarm: wake up you a*....huh ... where am i ?

(under the pillow... ha ha ha .... hoh .. 6:48... i'll be late...)

Well... Im back from hibernation and i'm back to writing. :) Time to await my new posts.

So long folks!
Aks